OYM Day 98: Things I Need

I want a bag filled with $5,000 and documents. I want a car hidden in a storage facility on the other side of town. I want a new passport and a new identity. I need an out for when I need an out.

I need a fast diet and a way to smoke cigarettes without the harm. I need a way to drink but still get home in one piece. I need a ritual with none of the negative side effects. Don’t tell me to meditate.

I need a place to be invisible besides my own home. I’m talking miles of desert or miles under the ocean. Maybe deep space. I need to feel the speck that I am in the sand dunes of life.

I need to to calm my heart without crying. I need to organize my thoughts in a chest of drawers and still be able to close them. I need you to feel what I feel without opening my mouth or biting my tongue. I need you to get it. Got it?

I need to see a lot of old things to know they still exist. Visit a few towns, sit in a few chairs, and drive down a few roads. They could be gone, for all I know.

I need you to look at my hands and feet. They tell the most about a person, I think. I don’t know why we spend so much money making them look like they’ve never been used, like some sort of mannequin.

I need a gas station in the middle of nowhere and a few bucks. I need a coffee that tastes like dirt, no creamer, and a Christmas radio station. I need a far away destination and to be short on time. I need to feel needed by someone far away, when the year is closing and hanging heavy with knowing…knowing time stops for no one.

I need to know that this constant feeling of being lost and searching means something. And I need to know it’s not for nothing. That I’m not nothing.

These are the things that I need. And I won’t get them. But I need them, nonetheless.