OYM Day 65: Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off

I started the day spilling hot coffee down my white T-shirt. Then, I waited until 9am to call the animal shelter in hopes of adopting a small dog named Minion. Terrible name, adorable little dog (can’t believe I called a dog adorable…me!). Since the pandemic, there are little to no adoptable dogs in the shelter, which is great. So at 9am when the phone lines open, it’s a mad dash to be first in the cue. I called 45 times and when I finally got put on hold, there were 15 people ahead of me. Sure enough, Minion and all the other pups had been reserved. I’ll keep trying. My daughter was having a day today, which meant scream crying for most of the morning. I put her down for a nap early and went to a doctors appointment. I showed up and they misplaced my paperwork. I went back home. I napped with the rest of the household and when my daughter woke up, we went to get some food. Alas, the burger joint fumbled the order and put hot chili’s on my 2 year olds sandwich. We went home and I made her a new meal and decided we should just not leave the house or attempt anything permanent (is Mercury in retrograde?) and we put on a movie. We all gave up. I made an old fashioned and my husband sipped tequila. We watched a Disney short about a dog being adopted and I almost cried. I’ve changed my shirt 3 times today. Coffee, pee (potty training), soy sauce.

Yes, this is a rant. I wanted to scream so loud today, so loud I’m fairly certain my eyeballs would pop out. I thought about driving out into the desert to do it, but how could I drive home with no eyeballs?

I was convinced we were going to get this dog. I felt like I was 15 and calling a radio station for concert tickets. I called from my phone, my husbands phone, my computer, and even a friend called on my behalf. Yet…nothing. It wasn’t meant to be.

I keep wondering why I’ve suddenly taken up wanting a dog and I think I realized it today. I just want unconditional love. A living thing that won’t care about how I’m aging, or the weight I’ve put on. Or criticize my writing, riddled with typos. A living thing that doesn’t scream CARRY MOM at me. Or meow in my face at 5am for food, and when I don’t get up, try to wake up the baby.

I want someone or something that’s on my side, in my corner, and not just looking for something. Maybe a dog isn’t the answer, but I’m not sure what is.

I’m sure it’s in myself, right? Some sort of resilience? I’m growing tired of being resilient all the time.

Maybe it’s just the pandemic talking.

Maybe it’s my anxiety.

Maybe it’s me.