OYM Day 48: Now N’ Later

I think I’m addicted to the chaos of the day. The little things that need done. The big things. The lists I keep in my phone and the notebooks I fill, cover to cover. As little as “leaf blow the playhouse” and as big as “lose 2o lbs.”

The beach with a toddler: fun for about 30 minutes, and then I think of all the sand she just ate and how sneaky waves can creep up… better chase her down and slather on another coat of sunscreen again. Remember to google sharks off the coast of Santa Barbara….

Many, many people have told me it’s my attempt to control my life. I don’t think that’s right, though. When I really sit and think about it, which is rare, I’m fairly certain it’s my attempt to not think about the present. If I wash the bedding today instead of this weekend, I’ll have even more time to spend with my family. If I clean the upstairs bathrooms today, I can fit in more time to write tomorrow. The problem is, the free time never comes. I can always think of something that can be done. It’s almost as if in preparation for the future, I make that task all of my days. Do you do this, too?

I know I can ignore the house and the errands and the to-do lists for a day or two and not suffer too greatly. It really doesn’t seem to bother anyone but me. I believe this is what they call “a mother’s mental load”. I feel that it’s taken over the time I used to have to develop myself and who I am as a person. People tell me to take a little time to myself each day, even if it’s just 15 minutes, and do something just for me. It’s just my opinion, but 15 minutes? I need more time than that. 15 minutes is just enough time for me to stop grinding my teeth and slow my breathing down a beat.

Again, I know this is my fault. It’s purely my decision to be overly productive and busy. I know I need to slow down and just enjoy the time in a day. Why is it so hard for me, though? Sitting at home and playing with my daughter is fun for about an hour and then I’m itching to “do” things. Social outings, trips to the park, an art class, or an errand or three. I worry my daughter won’t be able to sit still. Ever. And it may be my fault.

I’ve also been told I should ask for more help. Whether it’s help with things around the house or help with my daughter. But I just can’t. For some reason I feel like it’s my job and my job alone. It’s almost as if I want to operate to the point of no one would ever notice I was there, existing. I fluff the couch pillows before I leave the room and make a mental note on how a room smells when I leave it. If I don’t like it I’ll adjust the scent intensity on my smart air freshener and go about the rest of my day. This is insane to me. We had a few friends over a few months back and one of them remarked that it looked as if we were about to show our house to potential buyers…and that there was no sign of life in the home… not a paper on the counter, not a cup in the sink. I took it as a compliment. Why am I working so hard to not exist?

What do you do to keep you from enjoying the here and now? I heard a woman say she always felt she was “one click away” from completing her home, as she was addicted to fixing it up. I could relate to that a little bit.

Maybe you’re addicted to work, or your friends, or maybe you’re dwelling on the past and the mistakes you’ve made. I was guilty of that last one for years, until I wrote down a list of everyone I felt I wronged and reached out to them to apologize. It was somewhat embarrassing, but here I am, not sweating the past anymore.

My daughter is refusing to take her nap and as I write, I’m already trying to make a mental side list of what we will do when she wakes up. Make some art? Play in the sprinkler? Go for a bike ride and see if the library is open? Clean out her closet? Watch a movie? All of these things?

A part of me hopes this is just part of parenthood and having a toddler. Another part of me hopes that the giant iced coffee I just had will kick in any second. The last part of me hopes I can make it to 7pm without burning out, to prove to myself that I, too, can be a part of the functioning mother club.

Add to list : need more toothpaste, pick up a belated birthday gift, reach out to sister to wish her a happy anniversary, quit complaining about what others seem to do so effortlessly