OYM Day 25: No Mal — Part 3
I sat on the mattress in the glow of a small lamp, counting the beads of sweat as they fell from my bra down my stomach and back. It was 6:30 and the sun was going down in the jungle. The sounds of the insects and animals had morphed into something quieter, but more ominous and lower in tone.
I had finally finished clearing my casita of fire ants, making sure to turn on every faucet, their preferred hiding place, apparently. I showered and changed into a fresh t-shirt and shorts. I left my jeans soaking in the sink with a few dead ants. I pulled my hair back into a braid and looked at myself in the tiny bathroom mirror. And I mean tiny, maybe 5 by 5 inches. I looked tired, but wide awake. Panicked. My skin was blotchy and my black eyebrows made me look overly serious. I wondered if I could apply just a little makeup to even out the redness, but the last thing I wanted was someone to call me out on it, in the midst of a whole community basking in natural beauty. Makeup was forbidden. It felt like I was rolling out of bed and going to a job interview. My insecurities were showing again and I hadn’t even started what the commune liked to call “my transformation”.
It was finally nearing 7pm and I locked my casita. My amiga told me join the community for satsang at 7, as it is not to be missed by anyone. During satsang, the spiritual leader would guide us through a mediation and then share his teachings with us. I wondered how they picked this guy, this “guru”. I secretly hoped it was the king of ceviche. That way I could walk into the room, make eye contact with him, and we’d both have a good laugh. Spoiler alert, it wasn’t him.
I made my way down a pitch black path to the great hall. It was a dome shaped temple made of beautiful, natural wood, with big windows and sliding doors so the whole space let in the in the thick jungle air. The white marble floor glowed under the moonlight. Enormous pieces of purple amethyst, bigger than my entire body, flanked every entrance to the hall. There was a stage in the middle of the room, ornately decorated with single flower petals, small pieces of wood, crystals, and bowls of water. To this day I can think back on the great hall and feel the pieces aligning, me coming back to myself.
There were about 80 other people sitting on small cushions around the stage, their eyes closed, completely silent. I found a spot on the floor and took a seat. I closed my eyes, pretending to feel relaxed, opening my eyelids just a crack every so often to see who else had joined. My mind started wandering and I was reliving the fire ants in the mini fridge episode, when I felt the air in the room change. I opened my eyes and there he was, sitting atop of pillow on the stage. He wore all white, looked to be no older than 38, and had long curly hair pulled back into a low pony tail. I expected a guru to have white hair and a funny hat or something. I certainly didn’t expect them to smile. I saw all the faces in the room light up. I wondered what was in the water here. I wondered if I had to drink it. I already had at lunch. God damnit.
He led us through a silent meditation that felt like 3 hours, but in reality was 30 minutes. Then he gave a brief community update. He told everyone to be mindful of hiding your valuables, as the monkeys had been breaking into casitas again (real monkeys, not kids). He mentioned that a week of full silence was approaching, so to make any preparations necessary for that now. He also shared that the wells had been tested and the water purity was, yet again, spectacular (this is why no one is allowed batteries or unnatural personal products). Then he asked for a show of hands. Who would be embarking on their transformation, beginning tomorrow? About 20 hands made their way above the surface of heads. I raised mine. He smiled.
Welcome, my brave friends. Old and new. The path is not an easy one and this next week will stir in you some heavy feelings. You can do this work. You can. And we will be here with open arms and gratitude when it is all done. Now, go and rest. You will not be resting for much longer.
He excused us from the temple and I walked back to my casita, scared out of my mind for the days to follow.
