OYM Day 18: Knock, Knock. Good Morning.

It’s 9am and my daughter is still asleep, so needless to say I’m convinced the Universe has it out for me today. Like it’s saying to me “take in these 2.5 extra hours, because you’re gonna NEED IT”. So hey, that great.

I was able to brush my teeth before noon, even did a face mask and changed out of my sweatpants into another pair of sweatpants. I’ve had 2 cups of coffee and a graham cracker. I still have to hit the scale for my daily dose of “how did this happen”, but I’ll put that off for a little while longer.

I saw a coyote in my dream last night. I was in my house and looked out the window. It was walking up the path to the front door. Confidently. Like it’d been here before. When I woke up I looked up it’s meaning. I was hoping for something like “a coyote in your dreams means you might feel alone, but you’re strong and on a perfect path, all your own”. But nah. It can either mean that you could be surviving in all circumstances while maintaining a sense of humor, or that I’m meddling in shit that isn’t my business. Apparently it’s a tricky animal to encounter in a dream. As I continued to read about what it may or may not mean, I decided that dreams are dumb. At least today.

I know that the way I wake up and the thoughts I decide to focus on can really impact the way my day is going to go and I try to be mindful of that as I thumb through social media and the news. I end up watching videos of horses being saved from dilapidated farms or stylists cutting someone’s hair with a blow torch. Have I mentioned I’m an intellectual?

I could be working out, or making pancakes in the shapes of stars, or calling my grandma (mental note to call grandma), but instead I’m mindless. Its alright, though. This time is a luxury and I’m convinced that if I get up and start bettering myself, the rest of the house will wake up and start demanding hot chocolate, or make dinner requests. It’s nice to be needed, but sometimes the mental load and anticipation of needs has me hopping from one potential fire to the next for hours on end. And by the end of the day I wonder if people will start yelling at me like they do Alexa. No please or thank you or consideration for what else I may be doing. CASSIE, WHAT’S THE TEMPERATURE OUTSIDE? CASSIE, HOW MANY OUNCES ARE IN A CUP?

I know it’s just my control and anxiety issues showing. It probably doesn’t bother other people as much. I guess I just have a habit of trying to people please and avoid confrontation at all costs. I don’t want to let anyone down. Or piss anyone off. I want things to run smoothly and maybe if I try hard enough, I’ll get far enough ahead to go unnoticed for a little while.

I need to remember that I can ask for help, say no, and honestly just not focus on the stuff that drives me bat shit crazy. I have so much good in my life. It’s unreal. Why can’t I focus on that instead of the impending doom I feel encroaching on me 4 minutes after waking up in the morning?

You know what, I bet it’s that damn coyote. He probably creeps to my front door every morning, before I wake, to deliver my thoughts. He’s tired of this routine but it’s his job and he can’t find another during this pandemic. He’ll be quick this morning and hit me with the hard stuff seconds after my eyes open. Stupid dreams.